http://anaddictslife.blogspot.com/ There are more posts on this blog, and I keep it updated. I dont use this site anymore, just thought Id throw it out there in case anyone would like to read anymore posts. Thanks~
I haven’t written lately because I don’t have a lot to say. Life is pretty normal and good. A majority of the days I am so grateful. Other days I get very restless and feel so bored. Almost like I’m not living my life to its fullest. I don’t know, I guess when I was getting drunk and high all the time I actually felt like I was “living,” I know that sounds crazy, because what I was really doing was dying!! I guess I just feel like I should still be running around getting in to “trouble” sometimes. Even though using drugs and drinking like I was almost took my life and/or anything good in it, it was still “exciting” in a lot of ways. I like that feeling of “living on the edge;” Just going to work, eating, sleeping, and the whole daily routine thing can get very boring to me quickly. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my life now that I don’t use drugs or rarely drink. I wouldn’t go back to my old life if someone paid me! I guess it’s just a little dumb issue I need to come to terms with in my mind. In many ways I have. I love the fact that I can pay most of my bills now, and still have extra money to buy new clothes or whatever I want. I could never do that when I was an addict. When it really boils down to it though, I am not a materialistic person. I like having nice stuff and all, but good relationships with my family and friends mean SO much more to me. I often still catch myself beating myself up over all the time I wasted in the past that I could have spent with family and/or friends. It’s hard not to do sometimes; I just have to keep reminding myself that the only thing I can do to make it up now is be there now.
It just seems like a battle in my mind some days. I get antsy and just want to go do something crazy. Other days, I couldn’t be happier just lying in bed next to my man watching a movie, or just talking. I love going to family gatherings now. Before, when I was an addict, I would sit at them and think about how much I couldn’t wait to leave just so I could go leave and get high. There are still occasional moments when I am at a gathering or even with a group of friends and I start thinking; “Hmm wouldn’t it be nice to have a buzz going right now,” or; “I just want to go because I feel like there is something else ‘better’ I could be doing.” In all reality though, when I snap back to it, nothing is ‘better’ then being with my family, my boyfriend, and friends. They are why I stopped using in the first place! As I sit here and type this, it all sound a little silly to me. It is very obvious which “Path to stay by.” I guess it’s probably normal to feel this way on occasions. I bet a lot of people that weren’t even users get sick of following the same old routine all the time. I know it about drives me nuts sometimes! I have to admit though, without structure in my life, I would probably still be using, or always tempted at least. While I was in rehab, they couldn’t stress enough how important ‘structure’ is to have in your life. I really wasn’t buying it for the longest time, but as I continue to grow as a human and in my recovery, it makes complete sense. There is not too much to this entry, just getting a few things off my mind.
It sounds so trivial, but it makes SO much more sense to be bored then to be wasting your life getting high and drunk! I wish I would have thought this way 12 years ago. I guess we live, we learn.
Going to detox a couple of times seemed to help some. It helps to be medically detoxed off heroin, but you have to do something more than just spend a few days in detox. Perhaps not everyone needs further treatment, but I highly doubt it. You need to face the demons inside you that lead you to the drugs in the first place. You can’t do this on your own, I don’t care how “strong-willed” you think you are; clean or not. I am not suggesting any particular approach to dealing with your addiction, as all cases are different. Everyone needs to decide by themselves along with loved ones and perhaps with medical professionals. I’m not saying go to rehab either. What you NEED to do now is nothing but reach out to those who love you UNCONDITIONALLY. I can’t stress that word enough- someone who puts conditions on their love for you, even when you are at your lowest, doesn’t truly love you.
Anyhow, in my case rehab seemed to be my only other option or I was going to die out there on the streets, either from a bad batch or an overdose- after all I was a “newbie” to the heroin scene and I acted like I fit right in with the ones who had been using for years. Some of them even told me “Cassie, at this rate you will be dead VERY soon- if that’s what you’re going for, then you’re on the right path.” Indeed I was. To imagine another fellow “veteran” heroin addict telling me this! Needless to say, I still had a small piece of my heart that wasn’t blackened from all the drugs and “the scene.” I had to survive for my family- the ones that NEVER gave up on me- the ones who should’ve been the first to turn their backs, but they never did. They loved me UNCONDITIONALLY. Anyways, I entered rehab for my second time. This time stayed for over two months.
I eventually ended up using there and got kicked out. The day I got kicked out, I was on one mission; to get as high as possible. Well, lets just say, I got my wish, I overdosed in a park. I had a couple other people with me and thank God, one did CPR on me until the ambulance came. I remember waking up on the ground with my shirt and bra cut open, the E.M.T.’s all around me telling me how lucky I was to be alive. “Lucky? They have to be kidding right?” I wish at the time they would’ve just left me for dead. I just wanted them to leave me alone so I could finish shooting up. “That was some good dope, I had thought.” Wow, the fact that that even crossed my mind is insane! I didn’t care all those people were working to make sure I was ok; I just wondered what happened to my bag. I was so pathetic.
I used heroin again only two or three days after being released from the hospital. I was even worse yet. I really just wanted it all to end by then. Look what I was putting my family through! My mom was a mess and my brother had the saddest look in his eyes when he would look at me. I didn’t want to see my loved ones hurt any more because of me. So I set out with it in my mind to use as much as I could as often, to hopefully eventually just die. Very quickly, however, I ran in to a dead-end. I couldn’t for the life of me get any more money. I had nothing to pawn, nothing, or any means to get any more heroin at all. That was it; I knew I was going to get “dope sick.” After lying in bed for a good 3 days sicker than ever I asked mom for the one last hope for my life and that was to take me to a Robert J. Criss Reclamation methadone clinic, which she did.
While walking in to that clinic I realized then that this time I had TRULY hit “rock bottom.” This was my LAST hope. If this did not work, I was going to end up dead. As I learned more about the program though, I started to realize this is what I had needed all along; moral support and medical help to come off the heroin safely. It turned out to be the final step towards my path to recovery. God allowed all of these horrible experiences in my past to happen to me so I could end up there. God, the methadone, and unconditional love saved my life.
I didn’t want this paper to be about my experiences really. I didn’t even want it to be about one or two particular drugs. There are so many that could be put in the place of the ones I mentioned in this story. I ultimately just wanted to portray what a drug addict faces everyday, the way they feel, and the reasons why they act the way they do. I was a drug addict and a very bad alcoholic for at least 10 years. By the grace of God, the UNCONDITIONAL love from my family, friends, and the love of my life. I have managed to complete the methadone program and completely start a brand new life. I have never been so happy- ever. I can’t say that all of my problems went away after I got clean. Actually that’s almost humorous because getting clean is honestly just the first step.
Having a direct, loving support system is one of the first main things I suggest. Reach out to those who still love you. Don’t tell them sorry over and over because they wont believe you (or anything you say for that matter,) they are still healing themselves. Just reach out to someone and hold on for dear life right now. The point is though, you have SOMEONE. You need people who will be by your side when you want to go use, or when you need to talk or someone or have them listen to you about the demons that are inside of you that you. You will be battling them for a LONG time even after you become clean.
This is also one other main thing you MUST do after you get clean; face your demons! No matter what they may be, you must learn to deal with them in a CONSTRUCTIVE manner. You must face ALL of them, not just the main one or the “easier” ones. You may need to seek professional help depending on what your issues are. Either way, if you don’t get to the root of the source, you WILL ultimately use again. This is also another cold hard fact in addiction. As hard as it may be to deal with your issues, it will be even harder to get clean again- if you can even manage that (which I highly doubt). Or it will not be as hard as having your family members come to your funeral because you were too selfish to deal with some issues you were too scared to deal with.
So what’s it going to take for you to get clean? An overdose? A friend dies from a drug-related death? A few stays in a rehab facility? Or will you just take the time to think about those who love you unconditionally and ask yourself “Am I ready to start living for ME and what my future with these wonderful people, or do I want to stay in this Hell alone and watch ALL my loved ones eventually fade away?” Hold on to those few people who do care. There may not be many left at all by now. There may be only one (perhaps only God or a Higher power)- but please, as a recovered addict just reach out and someone will take your hand and hold it the entire time, I promise! It will NOT be easy at all, but it CAN be done.
There will be so many days you will just want to go back to the “easier way out,” but think about that statement. Is it really the easier way? Was it that easy to live in such a hellish existence? Was it really that easy to look your family in their faces and lie? Was it really that easy to steal, lie, cheat, and all the other horrible sins you committed? If that was easy for you, maybe you should go back to using because you obviously don’t have a conscious left, but I believe that most human beings are naturally good people. Some are just dealt a bad hand that needs a little extra help and support.
What addicts really only want is someone to love them NO MATTER WHAT. Also, for someone to talk to and listen about the issues that lie deep within them that are eating away at their soul. If addicts can’t talk about why they use, how are they supposed to stop? Others that are not addicts need to learn to quit stereotyping addicts and educate themselves on addiction. They need to understand that the addict they are dealing with didn’t ever want to hurt them on purpose. They were by definition of addiction; “temporarily insane”. They were driven by a “monster within.” The addict is still that same person you loved before all of this happened. You just need to reach out to them now, don’t make them feel worse than they already do. Guilt is the worse emotion to arouse at this point. If they ever needed your help in their life, it is now. After addicts and non-addicts both shed the stereotypes. After we begin to deal with our anger and frustration in a constructive manner. After we lie down at night and remind ourselves of those in our lives who we truly love, it is then we can start to move forward in the right path together. Then will we then be able to begin to start helping those who really need it, our brothers, our sisters, our moms, our dad. Our families; each other.
Although this time, it’s not so easy to get the drugs anymore. Everyone is sick of giving you money, everyone is sick of you “borrowing” their stuff only to learn it has been pawned, the dealers are sick of you begging for just one more front- so although you know better in so many ways, you start to steal. It’s a horrible realization when you are reaching in your mother’s safe to take money out that she has been saving for a vacation to take you on. To steal from your mother, period. To steal from anyone; It’s a horrible feeling. A sickening feeling knowing that you have officially reached a life so desperate for a stupid drug that you honestly don’t even like that much anymore. Now you are not just a drug addict, a slut, a mooch, an annoyance to your friends and family, now you are a miserable thief. A THIEF!! Wow, who would’ve thought it would come to this? But what’s done is done, so you go get the drugs with the money you stole, and in so many ways this high is not even close to as good as it used to be. In fact now that you think of it, none of the times you get high anymore are “fun” like they used to be. It is just simply an insane habit that you don’t want to go without because you feel so lost, alone, and afraid that you now feel like you can’t go without it. Besides, almost everyone else has turned their back, so at least you have “it”- that drug. Do you realize that “it” cares nothing for you at all though? Do you realize that “it” will take away EVERYTHING you have; ALL of your possessions, ALL of your money, destroy ALL of your relationships, and eventually “it” is working “its” hardest to take your life? Your LIFE!!! Most people in addiction at this point don’t realize this and if they do, by now probably just don’t care anymore. It’s so sad. You are so sad. There is a huge black hole in your heart now, and your soul is so weak you wonder if it even exists. Some addicts, if have not, by now, have tried to commit suicide. Some may begin to contemplate it, or they may actually attempt it. Life just doesn’t seem worth all this heartache anymore.
In time, hanging out at the crack houses with some of the worst people you’ve ever encountered or interacted with and would’ve never even talked to in your “previous life” starts to get so old- you want out. Finally, you think, this is it, I’m done! You think you have hit “rock bottom.” So, you enter a rehab facility and stay for 30 + days, get out and go to AA and CA meetings. At first doing everything they taught you. You catch a glimpse of hope; you can get your life back and make it better. You can work on restoring your relationship. What a wonderful feeling! It doesn’t take long at all, though, to run in to a few of your “old pals” that you used to use with. Or it doesn’t take long before you convince yourself that you are some how “magically cured” and can just have a few hits and that’s it. It’s almost humorous to me now looking back thinking I could just do a few lines and still manage to keep on “The road to recovery.”
So within a few months you are right back where you started, usually worse. This time you feel even worse because you knew what it was like to be truly happy again without being addicted. You had caught a glimpse of hope that will now forever be ingrained in your mind. It will follow you down those dark allies to pick up that next bag, and it will flash before your eyes the next time you go to take another hit, do a line, or shoot a fix. But that all seems like a distant dream now- sadly this life seems like it will only be just that- a dream, a nightmare. Is this any kind of happiness? What is a real relationship where someone actually trusts you like? What is it like to be around people and have them look at you without that look of “Oh, there is the one that uses drugs- stay away from them” What is life really supposed to be like at all? It’s all becoming a blur now.
Now in my case, not all cases, the crack/ cocaine wasn’t cutting it anymore. I wanted and felt like I needed more to mask those horrible feelings of worthlessness and sadness I held deep inside. Besides a “new” high could maybe switch things up for a while. So lets move up the “drug ladder” another step- heroin. First snort it, “eh it was good,” but of course you want the full effect and eventually begin shooting it. No other drug has EVER made you feel so good, so numb, it’s amazing how quickly you can kick a crack/ cocaine addiction once you try heroin. Once you’ve shot it up, its all down hill fast from there. Literally, you might as well tumble down a hill- you are on the road to destruction. You are literally on the road to death. It is inevitable, you WILL eventually get a bad dose, or you WILL eventually overdose (even if it’s not on purpose), you WILL catch AIDS or Hepatitis, or maybe you WILL get killed in a drug deal gone bad. Somehow, now though, it doesn’t even matter now. You’ve come this far in your addiction; there is no turning back now, right?
Now, life is a constant paper chase to get money to get your next fix because you soon realize that heroin has the ability to make you feel the best in your life but also the worst- it makes you “dope sick.” If you can’t continue to shoot up everyday then you would rather crawl under a rock and die then feel “dope sick.” So now you are back to the cycle of when you were using crack/ cocaine, probably even worse. You HAVE to have money now, not so much the “I am feigning and I’d really like more,” it’s “I HAVE to get more before I get so sick I end up in the hospital” (which will probably happen a few times anyways). You will literally do anything, and I mean anything, to get just one more fix, one more- then you’ll be ok- you keep trying to convince yourself this is true, but it is never enough.
It is even worse when you watch your life around you that you once thought was a pretty decent life fall apart. Your “friends” start to turn their backs or just distance themselves to the point of not communicating with you. Who can blame them? They tried to help but all you did was tell them “To mind their own business,” or “You have this under control, you don’t need help.” or something a long these lines. You may think you have it under control, it is your life after all, you ARE an adult, and you are pretty sure you can stop whenever you want- you just don’t want to right now. Why should you? You are having a good time & not hurting anyone -yet. In reality, you can hear that small voice in the back of your mind saying “You are all mine now, you can’t stop if you wanted.” No one wants to believe that they don’t have control over their own life, so that voice is ignored to your best of your ability. You will then try to dull those feelings, which have piled on top of all the other horrible ones, with some more drugs and/ or with large quantities of alcohol. It seems like everywhere you start to turn now, you are running in to dead ends from “bridges you have since burnt,” with all those people you once thought were your friends. Maybe they still are your friends but they are sick of watching you slowly kill yourself. They eventually realize they have to protect themselves, and they ultimately have to turn away.
Your lies and deceptions have since made you, and every word you say, now completely meaningless to everyone. This, I believe, is one of the hardest facts of addiction. To look at your best friend, your lover, or a family member, and have them look you straight back in your eyes and tell you “I know you are lying and I don’t even want to hear you anymore.” is heart-wrenching. It tears you apart inside. The only reason you ever lied to them in the first place was never to hurt them, or by no means to betray them; you were just trying to feed the monster within. If only they could understand how you feel!
Now, I have heard from so many people “Well why don’t you just stop?” or “Why is it so hard for you to be honest?” Questions such as these can only be answered by you once you are clean (if you can get clean), but until then you merely just have to learn that the people that have said these statements, or any similar to it, simply don’t understand what type of demon possesses you. They do not know that you really would just stop now if only it were so easy. As addicts it is hard to deal with the guilt you bring upon yourself from hurting the ones you love. You know you never mean to do it, and even though you keep doing it, you don’t want to at all. It is not you that is doing these horrible acts. It is honestly the drug that has taken over you and your mind. Your mind is so addicted now chemically that your thoughts are actually distorted. This is a proven fact. Your brain is telling you to “Go get more of that stuff that makes me feel good.” Even though it may not even be making you feel good at all. Your brain still needs it now. It is as used to the drug as it is to food now.
Along with this, you have not dealt with the demons that initially drove you to use in the first place. You reach out to someone for help or maybe just a little comfort but they all have you figured out by now- they don’t want to be hurt anymore, you have hurt them and let them down with your lies and fake promises so much in the past. You feel so alone. Guilt is one of the hardest issues for an addict to face as they are trying to get clean. They may start to get consumed by the guilt that they feel from hurting their loved ones or themselves. This issue, is something, I believe every addict will need to learn to face as soon as possible in all efforts to get clean. If you are overwhelmed by the guilt, shame, or just plain pity you will quickly catch yourself saying “Screw it, lets go get high some more so we don’t have to think about all this heartache right now.”
Life as a drug addict is not the same as any other life. Probably just like life as a millionaire isn’t the same as any other, probably just the complete opposite actually. It is at first adventurous, exciting. It gives you that feeling of “living your life on the edge” –living everything to the extreme. It may just be a small habit of doing a few lines of coke on the weekends at a party or something along these effects. But eventually and VERY quickly, the drug starts to consume your life. Your morals and values will quickly begin to disintegrate, and eventually if you continue on this path of self-destructiveness you will end up dead. Period; D.E.A.D.! There is no easy way out once you are in the cycle of using. You have to fight very hard and find it within yourself to go to battle with the demons that are eating away at your soul. They are what ultimately landed you in such a dilemma in the first place. You will, before you know it, be caught in the wrath of addiction. A “living Hell on Earth” as I have often called it. It’s got you now. It grabs your soul and starts to squeeze like a snake does to its prey. You may no longer just want to get high every now and then. You won’t get to decide if you want to just do it at the party, or if you’ll only use twice a week; no, You better pray to God/ Higher Power- (If you believe) that He holds on to you and watches over you to protect you, because you are in for a LONG, HARD ride and most of us never make it back from.
At first it seems to start out with the heavy drinking and lines here and there, hanging with the “wrong” crowd; smoking weed and sneaking around doing things you normally wouldn’t do. Eventually that crowd thins out with time, and with the heavier drugs; and those who are left will, in the end, be the “addicts.” It isn’t long before you are using cocaine and other drugs. But coke was always the one that seemed to have its grip on you. Eventually, someone amongst the crowd decides to share their experience of smoking crack with you- the coke just wasn’t cutting it anymore. So of course, you being the one who will do anything tried it and got hooked immediately. Not like “Oh that’s pretty good,” hooked; it’s that “Give me more NOW or I’ll go crazy” hooked. Did you ever spend every single dollar you had on it? Maybe even pawned a few things to get some more?
Everyone knows that cocaine is not, by any means, a cheap drug, so you make sure to be best friends (and sometimes even more if you are female) with the main dealers around. Being a female addict has many advantages in the addict’s world. At the end of the day, though, using your “assets” to get “free” drugs just makes you feel worse- WAY WORSE. You will quickly loose your sense of worth as a woman; you will feel more like an object, a mere puppet being passed around by a pack of wolves. Now you are not just a drug addict but now a “crack whore.” So it turns to a viscous cycle quickly; using, feeling guilty and depressed for allowing yourself to stoop so low just to get high, and then ultimately using again to try to numb out those feelings. It is a horrible realization. There is nothing that will ever give you your “innocence” back once you have committed such acts. Time will heal these wounds- if you make it out of addiction alive, and I stress the word ALIVE.
People have scars.In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roads to their personal histories. Diagram of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds will heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don’t. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut’s long gone, the pain still lingers.
Please don’t forget addicts/recovering always feel this…I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for some of the things I have done in the past, especially in my addiction (there are NO excuses for what I did.)
I haven’t written almost all month for many reasons. One of them is that I had another relapse (on cocaine, not heroin- thank God.) Regardless, it was still just as devastating. It has been devastating to me, but more regretfully to the people who I love the most. I have been totally overwhelmed by grief and guilt. A few times I was to the point that I was about ready to just go back to my old life of using. I just wanted to numb the pain I had caused.
As a result of my relapse, I also started to lose my closeness with God. I actually threw my hands up a few times and said “There really can’t be a God!” I pray so much, not asking for much; for will-power mainly, and I don’t get it. Now I know that those closest to me would say it is because I have not quit drinking completely. When I drink, I lose control. Not every time, just when I get drunk. It is hard for me to not drink because I really do have a good time getting a good buzz. My problem is that most of the time I can not stop when I have reached that point. Once I am past buzzed, Satan takes over and I completely lose control. I mean completely.
I really can’t even explain it. It is like I get possessed almost. Getting high is the only thing that my mind is capable of thinking about, and I will go to almost any length to get it. I always justify in my mind that a few lines of coke is better then shooting heroin; which technically it is, but in the big picture, it still hurts my recovery and those around me just as much. I never, ever intend to hurt anyone. Believe me, it is the last thing I want to do. I have done that so much in the past. I tell myself over and over I will quit drinking, or just have a few, but most of the time I just can’t do it.
I have been diagnosed as an alcoholic. I have a history of alcoholism in my family, but for some reason I refuse to stop. I guess to me I feel like I should be able to have a little fun sometimes. Really, I should know how to have fun without alcohol. I simply do not know how to do this because before I ever did any drugs, I drank. I have been drinking since I was 14 or 15 on a regular basis. Almost everyone I know or hang out with drinks at some time or another. I can’t just isolate myself from everyone. I have already done that to a certain extent and I have been somewhat depressed.
I feel worthless with no job, hardly any friends, and really not much to occupy my time. Yes, I do art but I can’t do it all the time. Yes, I like to read and write, but that gets old after so much too. I really don’t have a point or “lesson” in this blog; I am pretty much just venting. I feel horrible for the times I have relapsed. I know I should just learn from those times and move on, but that is simply easier said than done. I know I can’t change the past, but it doesn’t mean I am still not sad or upset about it. I have lost trust that took me so long to finally start getting back. Now I have to start all over. It’s very defeating.
I have also been told numerous times that I need to surround myself with Christians and those who have the same beliefs as I. The truth in that is I am a pretty shy person when it comes to meeting new people (unless I am drinking- that is why I usually drink to begin with!) I also don’t like going to church as I don’t believed in organized religion. Lately I don’t know what I believe in.
All I know is that I have been struggling a lot, and I really don’t know how to deal with it. It is hard for me to even concentrate and pray; my mind starts to wonder and I eventually forget I was even praying, eventually feeling even more guilty. I really wish sometimes that the people I love could just know how I felt just for one minute. It is so hard for them to understand my actions. I would never wish this curse upon anyone but I just wish I could explain it and they would understand. But they wont because they aren’t recovering addicts. I’m very happy about that, but at the same time, just wish they could know. I never meant to hurt them. Never. Especially these recent times. When I was full-blown in my addiction, I cared, but it was easier just to block it out, and I was getting good at doing that. Now I can’t do that, nor should I.
I don’t know what I’m trying to get at. I just felt like writing. For anyone who reads this, I ask if you do pray, will you please pray for me? I would greatly appreciate it. I appreciate anyone that even takes the time to even read this. It means so much to me. Thank you.
First off, I want to apologize to any of my readers for the past few blogs I have posted. They are pretty depressing and don’t want those to reflect what my overall purpose of starting this was. I write this for any addict who is still suffering and wants to quit or may not. I think, maybe if they read how much better life could be without drugs then they would reconsider their choices. It is also for anyone who knows, or is close to someone who is an addict or recovering. I hope that it can help show loved ones why addicts do what they do, and how they feel inside. I know I can not speak for every addict/ recovering addict obviously, but I know that it is hell and no one wants to suffer.
In my last blog I was questioning God. I feel bad that I did this because I know without Him; I would not be alive today. He proved to me just last night that He is still with me and still loves me. I was craving pretty bad; bad to the point of crying. I started to pray immediately. It was very hard because every time I reach a low part, the “enemy” pulls on me that much harder. I felt like someone had taken my power away to think clearly. I didn’t manage to say much to God except “Please help me through this!” I didn’t feel better right away, but I eventually started to feel lighter, like the weight of my sadness and temptation was being lifted from me. After that, I remembered how far I have come in my recovery, and how much better life is. I have so many people that love me and I love them. My life has been transformed, and although I sometimes I start to think I did it all myself, I know that I couldn’t have without God.
With all that being said; I briefly wanted to write about God. A lot of people (especially addicts) do not believe in God or a higher power. I believe this to be true because of the horrible experiences addicts face. I know I had completely sworn off God toward the later part of my addiction. I would think; “How could there be a God that would allow me to suffer so much?” Well now as I write that statement, it is so clear that He never wanted me to suffer. He gave us freewill! I had taken my life and all my sins in to my own hands. I am sure that it saddened God to watch me live such a horrible life (as I believe God is a loving God.) It wasn’t until I threw my hands up and said “I can’t do it without you God!” that I actually started to heal.
I am not trying to be “preachy” or shove God down anyone’s throats. If you don’t have the same beliefs as me, I totally respect that. I guess all I’m really trying to get at is that addiction is hell. I swear, I lived in hell for years, and like I just mentioned, it wasn’t until I found a higher power (God in my case) to help me. Addicts, recovering addicts, and loved ones of addicts all need to consider having a higher power in their lives. I am not the only one with this belief. Every rehab, AA, CA, NA etc. meetings all say that finding a higher power is part of the healing process. One of the AA 12 steps is “We came to believe that a power greater then ourselves could restore us to sanity,” I couldn’t agree more. It is not about organized religion and rituals, its simply finding peace in something that one can turn to when there seems to be no other way.
Again, I apologize for the two previous blogs that were a little depressing. I do struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, so the times I start to feel sad, I get really, really sad. I am glad that I started this blog though and I was able to write about those emotions. I also received some wonderful comments of encouragement, which means more then anyone will ever know. Thanks for reading.
Life seems like such a joke sometimes. Like God is just using us as puppets to His own amusement. I know that sounds so bad as a true believer in God. I swear one day things are going so well, and the next day; “Here’s so more sh*t to carry on your back” Some more questions that will go un-answered. Wow, awesome… like I wasn’t lost enough already. I am recovering a great deal from drug addiction but there are a few things that will just NOT LET GO!!! It is SO frustrating. Sometimes so frustrating that I start to doubt God. I think I am doing all the right things, living my life as well as I can, yet it is trial after trial.
I didn’t expect all of the trials of my life to end when I quit using drugs, but I did think that they would get a little better. In reality it seems they have gotten worse. My cravings for drugs have not gotten any better since the day that I walked out of rehab for the last time. It is ruining me inside as a person and it is sabotaging my relationships with my loved ones. I have had a few slips, not with heroin, but with cocaine. Regardless, it’s still horrible and the guilt is so overwhelming that sometimes I feel like I would rather just be dead. I know that it is a horrible thing to say, but damn it it hurts SO BAD inside. It hurts so bad.
My soul is getting tired and sometimes it seems like it was so much easier just being high all the time. Maybe I will just go back… fu*k it, who would really notice anyways? My family for a minute but I know they would quickly resort back to their defense mechanisms (which, by all means they should) and eventually I will just be a distant memory. Nothing has really gotten easier since I quit using. In fact, in a way life has become so much more hard.
I still think about the day I overdosed on heroin. I swore before I went unconscious there was a warm, never-ending bright light that consumed my entire body and I just reached my arms out and I don’t know if I said out loud or in my mind “ I don’t want this to end.” Was that just the drug? Or was that a glimpse of heaven? Either way I woke up on the cold payment with my clothes cut off me and paramedics all around. I had no idea where I was or what had happened. All I knew is I wanted to go back to that light. I remember crying and telling all of them to just leave me alone and pulling all the IVs they had put in me out. I started fighting them all off… I just wanted to go back. I think about that often and I want to go back to that light; that feeling. In fact, I want to go back to that feeling right now.
